Category Archives: Love

The past is a foreign country

Este post va dedicado a un amigo muy especial. Ya sabe quien es.

The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there. - L. P. Hartley

Sometimes I’m not sure if with this blog I’m teaching Spanish or writing my memoirs. Paragraph after paragraph, line after line, my writing is heavily steeped in my memories of two short but piquant years of my life. I’m the first to admit that those years were far from perfect, but somehow despite it all (all being my depression, my negligence, my isolation, my cycles of guilt) I was surrounded by a great deal of beauty, some of which I was even able to appreciate at the time. With time and the buffering effects of memory, it’s only that beauty that remains. I love this about memory. I know better than to try to futilely recapture the beauty of the past, but beauty is so fleeting and I don’t want to forget any of it. In the end, all we are left with are memories–I insist on having mine be good ones.

Last summer when I traveled around Argentina and Colombia for five weeks, I ended up seeing Woody Allen’s two latest films. I saw To Rome with Love in a theater in Buenos Aires and Midnight in Paris in Medellín. I didn’t pick the movie either time. I was too distracted to really be able to concentrate much on Midnight in Paris, but now that I think about it I realize that its central theme is nostalgia. The main character lives in the past, obsessed with the idea that the golden age was Paris in the 1920s. But as he magically travels to that era every night, he falls in love with a girl from the period who is convinced that the true golden age was the Belle Époque–the days of the Moulin Rouge in the late 1800s. And on and on it goes. Beauty seems omnipresent in earlier times and as scarce as hen’s teeth in the present moment. Funny how that works. Where is today’s beauty? Surely it abounds, but where? If only we could have tomorrow’s hindsight today.

Nostalgia New Yorker

Ahh, nostalgia. They mean the same thing (I think), but for some reason I have the impression that nostalgia is used more in Spanish than in English. I seem to hear it more; I know I say it more. And maybe I feel it more, too. It’s very common to use poner with this idea, either reflexively or transitively.

¿Será que la lluvia me pone nostálgica?

Could it be the rain that puts me in such a nostalgic mood?

Mi papá se puso nostálgico al escuchar la canción de U2.

My dad got all nostalgic when he heard the U2 song.

My friend Jisel wrote a post a while back that began, “I woke up today feeling inexplicably nostalgic for Colombia.” See, this girl feels me. She then proceeded to take a trip down memory lane complete with pictures. It got me wondering whether memory lane stretches down to Latin America. Is it like the Pan-American Highway, extending from Alaska to the tip of South America? Is it as well transited as it is here in the States? How do Spanish speakers revisit their memories, anyway? I needed to make sure I was going about it the right way.

My attempts to find a translation for memory lane were less than satisfying. Predictably, I found many translations that were a combination of words like viaje/paseo/camino/sendero/jardín/mundo + memoria/recuerdos/nostalgia. Take your pick–it would seem that there’s no universal standard phrase like there is in English. One I like is el baúl de los recuerdos to figuratively represent that mental space where we store our cherished memories. My favorite, though, was this one: carril de la memoria. Now, in my book that’s way too literal. A carril is a lane on a road, as in changing lanes. A carril de la memoria, then, gives me the idea of a highway where one lane is just for memories. You know, right next to the HOV lane. I can see it now: HOV lane for fast cars, memory lane for those drivers who just want to amble and take their sweet time. When you have to get somewhere but don’t want to interrupt your wistful reverie, take the memory lane and keep pining at a comfortable 5 mph.

Image by pepeltenso via Flickr Creative Commons, used with permission

I’m rather fond of my past and grateful for it (indebted, really), but I’m not nearly as interested in it as I used to be. Sure, there are things and people I miss, but I’m much happier now. Happier, healthier, more in harmony, more interesting. And more successful, going by my personal goals and dreams. Thankfully, I’ve finally stopped indulging in nostalgia like it were my full-time job. I want this time in my life to also be one that I’ll think back on in twenty years and yearn for, thinking, man, those were really good days! But not the good old days . . . just like you can’t truly know who the love of your life is until you’ve reached the end of it and consider and rank all of your loves, I can’t really know what the good old days are until I’ve lived them all. This is just the love of the moment (and maybe all the moments to come, if I’m lucky), and I’m content so long as I can say that these are good days. Which they definitely are.

Working in health care, I’m reminded daily how fragile life is. Just yesterday, I interpreted for a family whose two-year-old son (number five out of six) almost certainly has metachromatic leukodystrophy. He has three cousins who died of the disease while toddlers, and now he will as well. The mom burst into bitter tears as she recounted how he has been regressing in his motion abilities, and I struggled to not start crying myself. I’ve seen a baby be stillborn; I’ve delivered terminal cancer diagnoses and had to ask people about their hospice preferences. Life is so very short. I can only suppose that all the smaller losses along the way somehow prepare us for the final one. In the end, what do you have? You have your relationships and the love and meaning they give your life, and you have the memories of all the love you gave and received in earlier relationships. I’m so grateful for all of the loves of my life even if, at least romantically speaking, none has lasted so far. If only I could think of a way for “thanks for the memories” to sound as sincere as I mean it. Maybe we had a few weeks, maybe a few months, maybe a year–whatever the length, thank you for loving me.

(PD: For the life of me, I can’t figure out if the quien in that first line needs an accent or not.)

Ode to my Spanish boyfriend

If Facebook photos are any indication, there are a fair number of men out there whose car (or motorcycle) occupies the position of leading lady in their life. Do you see those pictures too? The ones they post of their hot rods unironically captioned My girl! or My girlfriend with nary a woman in sight. I get car love, kind of. My little Corolla is shiny and winsome and always looks happy to see me. Still, I liked the buses, taxis, metro and old-fashioned walking in Colombia far better. 

I’ve never called anything my boyfriend except, well, boyfriends, but if I absolutely had to think of a runner-up who vies for my affection, the choice would be as plain as the nose on my face: that’s right, Spanish. Don’t tell me you can’t see that I’m head over heels in love with him. If this blog isn’t an ongoing love letter to the Spanish language, what is? Anyone who knows me would tell you that I’m inordinately, passionately, obsessively enamored of Spanish. And I have been for almost two decades now. My true love–surprise, surprise–is Colombian Spanish. Yeah yeah, so I once wrote a post about breaking up with Colombian Spanish (it’s called metonymy, folks), but I didn’t mean it for a second–Colombian Spanish and I are still thick as thieves. So, yes, until I find another half orange (a media naranja), it’s Spanish that’s the one and only apple of my eye. If you’re smitten with Spanish like I am, surely you joined me and the rest of the Spanish-speaking world today in celebrating el Día del Idioma– Language Day. ¡Un brindis por el castellano!

I love Spanish

How do I love thee, Spanish? Well, I’ve been blogging the ways for over a year and a half now, 120 posts and counting. You all know that I’m anti-cursi, so don’t expect any blubbering professions of adoration or a bathtub filled with rose petals from me. I’ll just say this: With every fiber in me, I truly love, love, love speaking, listening to, reading and writing in Spanish.  In Spanish, I see everything color de rosa, and that’s just the way I like it. Spoken like a true tortolito, of course. I don’t even care how ridiculous I probably sound right now. I become a blabbering, yammering fool with a huge gleam in my eye when I talk about Spanish, and I’ll blabber and yammer to my heart’s content.

Día del idioma

Back to el Día del Idioma–The Día del Idioma is generally celebrated April 23 because on this day Cervantes–the famed author of Don Quijote–died. The comic above imagines that if he were still around to see how Spanish has been “perverted” through chat services like MSN Messenger, he’d have some harsh words. I guess nobody ever told him not to shoot the messenger–like it’s his fault people type on there as if they’d declared an all-out war on proper spelling and grammar. If only he could chill out and realize that Spanish is still as groovy as ever. If Cervantes met someone like me, he’d probably be moved to tears by my passion for his language. I’d have to do my best to keep the fact that I still haven’t read Don Quijote under wraps, though. Whoops. It’s at the top of my to-read list, I swear.

Anyone else out there who will confess to loving Spanish beyond all reasonable limits? What are people like us to do? Well, a very happy Language Day to everyone! Happy Spanishing.

Cursi

I went to a party the other night, and we were all having a merry old time. One of the guests started playing the guitar, and someone asked if he knew any songs by Ricardo Arjona. No, not Arjona, I pleaded. ¡Es muy cursi! Judging by the immediate chorus of indignant gasps and protestations, I had touched a nerve. More than merely defensive of the singer, they took issue with my epithet of choice. ¿Y qué tiene de malo eso, ser cursi? I didn’t stop there. Es más, I said. I’ve found that Hispanics on the whole tend to be much more cursi than Americans. Well, that was it. Se armó la de Troya. The women were then up in arms. Oh, what does she know about love? She’s just a cold, heartless gringa. How could she ever understand the way we Latinos feel and express ourselves? No, they didn’t actually say those things, but it’s what their whelps were basically communicating. As we’re all friends, I took their ribbing in stride. They wouldn’t let me live it down, though–the rest of the night, they kept making a big deal about all the music being CURSI and then looking at me as if to apologize for offending my stony artistic palate.

I wanted to retirar lo dicho immediately, and not because of the outcry from my friends. I knew that no feelings had been hurt, and I still stand by what I said—Ricardo Arjona is cheesy. Immensely so. And his music is not my cup of tea. But if someone wanted to, I’m sure they could lampoon many of my beloved Hispanic singers for being cursi as well–Silvio Rodríguez, Julio Jaramillo, Chavela Vargas, etc. Why does cursi get such a bad rap? And what do we reveal about ourselves when we hiss and glare at this adjective as if it were the devil?

Cursi means cheesy, especially in the sense of mushy, sentimental, sappy, lovey-dovey. Cloyingly sweet, sickeningly sweet. Empalagoso, hostigante, acaramelado. Someone who is cursi oozes miel–honey–and is thus meloso. Think of the Seinfeld episode where he and his girlfriend called each other Schmoopy, and you’ll have a good idea of cursi.

Cursi elefante

It’s very subjective, though. I guess everyone has a certain degree to which they can tolerate mushiness. Predictably, it’s always other people’s sappiness that gets on your nerves; one almost never views their own actions as cursi unless their family and friends start giving them a hard time about their soft side. That is, we’re all hypocrites when it comes to being cheesy. All of us, of course, but the Spanish speakers.

I had a cursi friend in Bogotá named Jhon Carlos. Here’s how I described him to a friend back in 2010: “He’s kind of awkward, though awfully sweet and tender, also kind of cheesy and… eager. :)” Yes; very cheesy, this Jhon Carlos. And very eager–muy intenso–but so genuine and sincere. He filled my inbox for years with emails full of virtual flowers, cliché professions of love, and lots of melosidad. Although I rolled my eyes at the trite and sappy ways that he expressed his feelings for me, I respected him for being so heartfelt and unabashedly cheesy. O sea, for not holding back and for not apologizing for his cheesiness in an effort to put up a barrier of self-protection in case of rejection or mockery. People who dare to bare their hearts make themselves easy targets, but who wants to be the grinch who goes around ridiculing people for attempting to find and then luxuriate in love? Insecure people, that’s who.

My first boss in Colombia, Alba, once gave me a painfully cursi stuffed lion attached to a fuzzy cup that had two hearts on it and had HAPPY EVERYDAY emblazoned across the top. I was touched. The examples I could give of cursi-ness that I observed in Colombia could go on and on, and I’ve noticed it among Hispanic friends from other countries as well. And it’s one of my favorite things about them–I love my Hispanic friends and the Latin American culture at large for being so cursi. I do. No, I still prefer not to receive stuffed animals from love interests seeing as I exited childhood decades ago, but I will take a cheesy, over-the-top, melodramatic love any day over some serious, respectable, safe, buttoned-down alternative. Yawwwwn. ¡Qué pereza!

Happy everyday

Hell, one could date Pablo Neruda and even find him cursi were they to insist on militancy against all sentimentality. Where’s the fun in that, though? And, who knows, maybe even Neruda got exhausted sometimes from the great pressure to be original and not cursi–after a long day of racking his brain for inspired, fresh symbols of love for his poems, perhaps the most he could muster up for Matilde was a little teddy bear he’d pick up at a nearby store. Maybe she even requested them, having been up to her eyeballs in sonnets and odes. There’s nothing wrong with being a little cursi from time to time, and if it’s your MO, well more power to you so long as your partner’s on the same cursi wavelength. Each set of lovers forms their own language and lexicon composed of their significant symbols and code words, and who really cares if some fulano scoffs and labels them as cursi? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I also think of a gift I once received in Colombia of a set of pillows, one of which had my name crookedly embroidered inside a heart. You can probably guess whose name was in the other heart. As far as cursi goes, I’m pretty sure those pillows take the cake. And yet, very much out of character, I loved those pillows and not in spite of their adamant cheesiness but rather because of it. They were sincere, they were made and given with so much love, and their very existence was a brave, unironic, and unambivalent celebration of something very beautiful and worthy of praise, even if it were to later prove ephemeral. What am I, too good for cursilería? Of course not. Love is always worth celebrating, albeit imperfectly, albeit cheesily, albeit precipitately, albeit years after the fact.

In sum: What is love if not cursi? Love is supremely sentimental and gushy and ridiculous. And love means leaving your self-consciousness at the door, as well as your ego. I feel like you’re not really in love if you’re not regularly making a fool of yourself! But why hide our cheesiness within the safe confines of relationships? I admire people who can unblushingly own their feelings, hopes, and even disappointments without pussyfooting or pretending to not care all that much anyway. Although cursi people could use some work in the originality department, at least they care in the first place. There’s a lamentable epidemic of nonchalance and numbness and self-absorption these days, and cheesiness is a much better alternative to these terrible modes of subpar living. The way I see it, life is about caring. And since people have been caring for millennia, it’s awfully hard to express your care in a way that millions of other people haven’t already done. So, go ahead and be cursi. Those who would snarl and say bah humbug and rain on your parade have their own issues–just feel sorry for them. Ricardo Arjona, I still don’t like your music, but I respect you for sharing your cursi soul with us. There are certainly worse ways to be.

Te recuerdo mucho

Today, someone wrote me a short email and ended it like this:

te recuerdo mucho chaooooo

Since it was such a brief message, I read it quickly and didn’t dwell on it. I read that last part as “I remember you a lot” or “I remember you well.” I was about to go on with my day, when something gave me pause. I remember you a lot? We don’t say that in English. I remember you well? Surely that would be expressed better by Te recuerdo bien. In any case, it would be silly for this person to tell me out of the blue that she remembers me well. Of course she does. We’re extremely close, talk frequently, and have played very unique and unforgettable roles in each other’s lives. Remember me a lot? Se sobreentiende. As it would be impossible for us to ever forget each other, I knew that I must have been misunderstanding the phrase. It’s not like it would be the first time or anything.

Roque Dalton, te recuerdo mucho

Postal de Roque Dalton

So, what was she trying to express with te recuerdo mucho? That she thinks of me a lot. Ahhhh, now that makes so much more sense! The mucho refers to frequency, not extent. It’s like saying Te recuerdo muy a menudo. I think of you frequently. I bring you to mind often. I regularly recall memories of you. Another equally valid and natural option would be me acuerdo mucho de ti.

Carta de Octavio Paz

Carta de Octavio Paz, 1985

As you can see, you don’t have to have forgotten someone to remember them, at least not in Spanish. All they have to do is come to your mind. So, which way do you prefer? Would you rather be thought of or remembered? I think I like the Spanish way better. (I know, shocker.) While you’re turning it over in your mind, here’s another post I wrote a while back where I pondered another facet of recordar. You have to give the verb some credit–he’s much more interesting than you’d initially think.

How to give a piropo

First things first. A piropo is a flirtatious, admiring compliment in Spanish, they thrive on the streets of Latin America, and while some may consider them annoying or even verbal assault, others consider them an art form. As a verb, you can say echar un piropo or piropear. Yes, piropos often have the reputation of just being sleazy pickup lines. They don’t have to be, though; they can be an amorous compliment y yanada más y nada menos.

I always kind of wanted to write a blog post on Spanish catcalls in the street. I dreamed up assignments of traversing Latin America’s alleys and avenues and reporting on what the men were saying in El Salvador, the heights and depths of creativity in Chile, the levels of desperation in Puerto Rico, the poetry of the side streets of Bolivia. People talk about learning Spanish that’s more de la calle, and I remember once having a book called Streetwise Spanish (alas, lost in the great taxi heist of 2010)– what could be more callejero than piropos? While there are surely many nasty, creepy, and wildly inappropriate comments made to women in the streets, many beautiful and lyrical compliments are paid as well. It could be a pain walking around in Colombia, no doubt–sunglasses, a quick pace, and a menacing, no me jodas look were my friends. I also know that my imperfect Spanish comprehension shielded me from many things that were spoken too fast or mumbled too pasito for me to catch them. In general, I gave groups of men as wide a berth as possible, especially the omnipresent construction workers. All that to say that I was probably protected from the most lecherous comments. Still, I defend piropos in general. It all depends on who’s administering them.

What woman can say that a really charming and reverential piropo launched when she was least expecting it hasn’t made her day at one point or another? Most of what was said to me was highly respectful or, failing that, at least flattering. Look, my ego isn’t made of steel. Even the most hackneyed lines would often give me a small pep in my step, and I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss them. Most piropos ran along the lines of something like:

¡Estás bueeeeeeeeeena!

Uy, ¡mamasota!

Qué nena tan linda.

Uy, qué guapa.

Eres la mujer más bonita en toda la ciudad. Buenas tardes.

Sssssssssss.

Oooh, good comeback

You get the picture. And then there were two red-letter days, two piropos that made me beam inside for a good couple hours.

Eres un poema visual. (On the street)

Para mis ojos, tu hermosura es perfecta. (I was sitting at a café in Bogotá reading Cien años de soledad.)

The best piropo of my life, however, didn’t happen in Colombia. It wasn’t even in Spanish. It was right here in my city on a fall Sunday afternoon much like this one five years ago. I’d been scrunched up on a bench in front of a café for a few hours furiously reading Faulkner’s Absalom, Absalom! All of a sudden, an older man (they’re always older men) came up, nonchalantly handed me a small slip of paper, and walked away.

Not hitting on you. Not even leaving my name. Just know this: you are absolutely beautiful. I hope you are acting or modeling. Go well. 

I was woozy for weeks.

But enough about me and some of the kind things strangers have felt compelled to say to me. What about you? What piropos have you received? What piropos have you delivered? What piropos would you give out if only you had the guts to do so? Hmm. I am a strong believer in remarking on beauty when it strikes you, when it catches you unawares, when it overwhelms you to the point that it hurts just a little to take it all in. I want to give out piropos, I do. So I shall, somehow. To someone. Somewhere. All he has to do is walk by me.

Muy acertado

How you go about constructing your piropos is your business, your prerogative. The idea is originality, which doesn’t have to mean spontaneity. The dear, bumbling Mr. Collins in Pride and Prejudice had some wise words on this point.

“. . . I am happy on every occasion to offer those little delicate compliments which are always acceptable to ladies . . . These are the kind of little things which please her ladyship, and it is a sort of attention which I conceive myself peculiarly bound to pay.”

“You judge very properly,” said Mr. Bennet,  ”and it is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are the result of previous study?”

“They arise chiefly from what is passing at the time, and though I sometimes amuse myself with suggesting and arranging such little elegant compliments as may be adapted to ordinary occasions, I always wish to give them as unstudied an air as possible.”

As unbearable as that creature was, there is a measure of insight in what he had to say–it is best that your piropos don’t sound canned. I will be more than a little devastated if hundreds of you respond to say that you received that same slip of paper while reading at a coffee shop. You will have to work on making your piropos elegant and delicate; they should nacerte, that is, flow out of you. In the meantime, here are a few basics for talking about beauty in Spanish.

For women:

linda, bonita, hermosa, divina, guapa, atractiva, bella, preciosa, (estar) buena, sexy, despampanante (stunning), una muñeca, una princesa, una reina

Those are just a few of the words that should work everywhere, and every city and country has its regional descriptors as well. For example, churra and chusca are very popular in Colombia; there’s also pispa in Medellín and chirriada in Bogotá. (though I think that’s old-fashioned) And un bizcocho (cake) is a beautiful woman (un bagre [catfish] is an ugly one).

My friend Rafael is convinced that I’m an angel fallen from heaven, and he’s been telling me so in long, lavish, strictly respectful, strictly-as-a-friend messages for years. He loves to say swoony things to me like:

Hola, ¿cómo estás aparte de bella, dulce y sonriente, preciosura?

Y vos, ¿cómo está la chica más linda del vecindario, la que da alegría a todo mundo con su linda sonrisa y su angelical cara?

Hola bella damisela.

Hola dulce y elegante flor de primavera, que por la primavera haces botón, por el verano floreces y en el otoño nos das de tu perfume y por invierno tu delicadeza. 

Hola bella fémina.

Hola bella y gentil dama.

I think this one wins the cursi (cheesy) award. And that image just kills me.

He’s Mexican, but he also does his best to woo me in Colombian Spanish.

¡Quiubo, parce!

Pues, de una, parcera.

Con mucho gusto te colaboro, bizcocho. 

¿Cómo estás hoy día, bella paisa?

Turning the adjectives into nouns, he’ll also talk about my belleza, dulzura, gentileza, nobleza and grandeza for a change. There’s also hermosura, preciosura, and a word I learned just today– lindura. From the DRAE, lindura–1. Cualidad de lindo; 2. Persona o cosa linda. Good to know.

These are just some of the piropos that haven’t worked on me (although they certainly charmed me). Imagínense the ones that have.

For men:

guapo, lindo, apuesto, buen mozo, (estar) bueno, simpático

In Colombia, they also say churro, chusco, pinta, chirriado as well as many other words I either never learned or have forgotten.

Long live piropos! When done right, they can be so musical, so poetic, so galvanizing. Now I walk down the street and everything’s silent; if I walk down a major road, all I get are prosaic honks. I drive most places, and cars are not exactly piropo-friendly. I just got a bike, though, so maybe some gallant, some knight in a shining Armada will valiantly stick out his neck to pay me a long overdue piropo. And, smitten, of course I’ll pay him one right back.

(I haven’t forgotten about that second load of laundry, btw. Still working on it.)

What about you? What piropos have you received or doled out? Are you a fan of them, or do you despise them? If you’re a native Spanish speaker, anything to correct, clarify, comment on or concur with? What other general and country-specific vocabulary can you teach us for describing other people’s good looks?